In Limbo

Sometimes I feel like I don't know my purpose. Now, I'm not saying that I'm useless and unimportant. I just feel like I could be doing something more with my time, something more for the world. But, instead here I am, floundering in a place I used to call home.

I am not in a bad place with unfortunate circumstances. I'm actually in a beautiful house with incredible people, living my life as if it were an endless adventure. I'm trying to follow His voice which has spoken the will of my life. Yet, there are seasons in my life where I seem to be stuck in the mud,  wondering what shall unfold.

Quiet honestly, I'm stuck in limbo. I know that in a few months time I'll be making my way back West. So, how do I make a life for myself here, knowing that I'll be gone by December. I'm having a slightly difficult time adjusting. Instead of fighting the urge to make things work for myself, I think God is trying to tell me something. He's constantly whispering to me, "Steph, listen to me, follow me, surrender and you will see the person you were made to be, you are beautiful because I made you."

I'm learning what it means to truly turn my total trust to God. It's not always an easy thing to do, to completely surrender and follow the Spirit that lies within. But, it's so undeniable, the testimonies in my life and how much impact they have had on my faith.

It may seem as if I'm sitting in a waiting room, wondering when I'll be called to my next mission. And even though I am not as productive as I could be, thats okay! We don't always have to be filling our days with duties. Sometimes we just need to take a breather, to walk our days one at a time, seeing each as an opportunity to learn about ourselves and what our inner voice has to say.

"Now I'm turning you over to God, our marvelous God whose gracious Word can make you into what he wants you to be and give you everything you could possibly need." Acts 20:42

Ends and New Beginnings

"The destination of every journey is to return to where you started. You return to where you started and see it differently. Coming home is the reason for leaving." - Nathan Myers

I have completed a near 10 months of travel and now I'm back to where I began. It's a funny feeling returning home after months of endless adventure. I have seen so much of the world and have learned the meaning of leaving home only to yearn for my return.

I never quite realized how much I would fall in love with Florida, my birth place, after years of only wanting to escape. But, it is no lie, distance makes the heart grow fonder. And the more days I spent away from home, the more I desired to be nearer to my friends, family, and beloved beaches. It is the season to be thankful for everything familiar, to smile and share moments with my best friends. To surf waves I learned on. To soak in the love of all who love me. I feel so blessed that I could end my adventure in the place where I began.

I never understood what it meant 'coming home is the reason for leaving'. But with fresh eyes and a seasoned mind, I get it. I left home because my heart desired distance and now, being home I see that leaving is what caused my heart to appreciate what home is.

A Curve Ball in Paradise

We find ourselves standing in a place of paradise, a scene so serene, it resembles a perfect postcard. We are miles away from home, far from anything familiar, the moment is so beautiful and peaceful. Nothing could be better than this. How did we end up here and why? Luck, maybe.

It's been a couple months now since I've left Colorado. I have been enjoying a Pacific tropical paradise, known as Kauai. The people, the coastlines, the lifestyle are so incredible, life couldn't possibly get any better could it? Well, once again, I've fooled myself.

To be completely honest, this past month on Kauai has been nothing shy of a roller coaster ride of emotions. Though the first few weeks were an emotional battle for me, I pulled through and was able to keep my head above the flooding waters. Through faith I was able to see the positive in each day and was gratefully led to meet amazing people and to experience breathtaking places.

I had thought to myself, "Steph, you've made it, the rest of your time here is going to be so great!" After all, I am here because of a life long dream, right? Well, to my dismay, I have been thrown another curve ball, and boy, did it hit me hard. I won't go into detail, but, this past week has been real tough for me. One day I was full of vibrant health and the next day felt like I was trucking down hill. And though I don't want to admit this, it has been twisting and turning my mind uncontrollably.

I could sit here and regret my actions and motives for possible culprits, or I can accept what is and try to heal myself, my choice. I had decided, it's best to move forward and to accept the conditions. And what better way to find encouragement then through a church sign labeled, "love is acceptance of what is". 

It's been a long week with ups and downs and inside outs. But, in the end, above all of my anguish and concern, I will be okay. For the Lord says, "this too shall soon pass". It's hard to stay positive 24/7 and to know that all will work out for the greater good. But, without such difficulties we would never know true joy. God's love shines in and around me always and even though at times I feel abandoned and alone, this is only a figment of my mind. God has never left me and He never will. God will provide for me, my daily needs. And He will guide me to full health.

Sometimes it takes being hit full force by a curve ball, to wake up and realize how reliant upon God we must be. I have no idea what is best for me, that is for God to sort out. And though, I am hiding in a "perfect" paradise in Hawaii, not all is perfect fun. We must always be alert and ready for anything to occur, and in response to allow God to do most of the healing. We must hold optimism that, "good things come to those who wait."

I pray for inner peace, health, and for my happiness to get the best of me, not the other way around. This curve ball has left quite an impressionable bruise, but with the passing days, it will heal, and I will see clarity.  On that note, I'd like to leave by saying, paradise isn't a place we find fit, paradise is true contentment, anywhere.

"Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Jesus Christ to live." Thessalonians 5

Life is a Book

It's nearing that time, to pack my bags and hit the road. It's been a memorable past few months living in the mountains and now I'm getting ready to open a new chapter that I've yet to read. I view life as a book, written by God and I the reader. We cannot foretell the future, and like reading a book, we never know what is written on the following pages. We can read fast, slow, at a steady pace, or flip through pages, never really getting a full glimpse of the messages. I find it most useful to read this Book of Life, getting the most out of what has already been written.

I always look forward to opening a new chapter. For many years I've dreamed of moving to Aspen, Colorado to experience a winter season. And thereafter I always envisioned myself making my way towards the West Coast and beyond. Well, the more I read, the nearer I come to living my fantasy. Next week I will be embarking on a solo journey that will lead me back to the sea and to places my heart have yearned to be.

Ending a chapter and moving onto the next fills me with such a vibrant and wholesome feeling. It shows me that I've accomplished so much in my life. To be able to live life one page at a time is total freedom. If we can recognize that life is not so much in our control as it is in God's hands, it is so much easier to accomplish goals and to encompass a sense of emancipation from daily struggles.

Each day that I live, is a page turned, a lesson learned. I once believed that I was writing the pages to my own book, but this stubborn way of thinking got me nowhere. When I surrendered and gave God all the credit, I soon realized that He has been the one leading me all along. My fate has already been engraved and I'm continually tracing the steps, unraveling the Truth. I want what God wants for me, because He knows me better than I know myself. His ways are greater than anything I could ever imagine. And His ways will always win out. Life is a Book and it makes me smile when I read through it.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

The Narrow Path

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost

We see what we want to see. We act how we want to act. We believe what we want to believe. But, this is not necessarily the best way for us. Us humans are often blinded by our one-track mind. We become stuck in our ways and live our lives as if we know everything. What if, just what if, we chose to follow a different path, where we are led by our Spirit.  What if the path we chose to follow had many more gifts waiting, because we decided to let our faith lead us.

It's difficult to trust in something that is out of our control. Yet, that is where the beauty lies. I cannot begin to list the many times when I could have fallen so hard and to my surprise God caught me and put me back on my feet. Praying is my way of accepting Gods ways in my life because I know that whatever happens here is for a reason and I can either deny the outcome or I can embrace it with acceptance.

I've lived many years wondering who God was and if He was ever around. I always had a slight idea that He was watching over me. But, not until I truly believed, did I see what true living was. And not until I saw did I learn how rewarding it is to act upon righteous teachings.

Not many people have the courage to let go of their habits to follow an unseen guide. Though, those who do find themselves truly living!

Chasing Dreams

No one ever warned me, that chasing dreams is no easy feat. And of course for me, I always learn the hard way. I find a destination, or rather it finds me, I set my mind to it, work long hours to save up the cash, and boom, I'm there. Although towards the end of my adventures, I tend to find myself in a pit, slightly stressed by my financial crisis, when all is said and done, everything always works out anyways. And it could go either way, either it works out or it doesn't, what are you going to do about it? We may as well choose the better of the two.

After 22 long days of traveling, I have made it to my current destination, Aspen, Colorado. I set off from Orlando, Florida with two of my best friends, nearly all of my belongings and Josh's too, in a small truck. We kind of went with the flow, settling in places suitable and we knew people in most stops. I saw the seasons change from the East to West, and met many faces along the way. The scenery's and landscapes that met my eye fulfilled my dream images of America and the long hours it took to get to where I now sit, were all worth the hassle. I spent about 19 days on the road, one morning on a plane, and three bus rides to get to this small mountain town.

I am beginning a new phase in my life, as I like to say, peeling the pages of a new chapter. I don't know many people here and I've never lived outside of Florida, but I have a strong feeling in my heart that I'll do just fine. And as any human does, I do have my doubts about life, but I always try to put em' on the back burner. I spent all day contemplating loneliness, and although this is the first day that I've been completely alone, I didn't really feel that way.

I rode my friends bike around town and popped into, Two Old Hippies music store. I played a couple guitars and one of the employees befriended me. As timing played out, a couple hours later he picked me up and we hung out for the whole night. I love going along with strangers only to become friends. My first night in Aspen was not so lonesome after all. This was God's way of telling me, everything is going to work out Steph, everything is gonna be alright.

Needless to say, I won't ever stop chasing my dreams, I've had this vision for countless years and to have made a cross country dream trip I call 'The Great American Adventure', which inevitably led me to my dream life in Aspen is beyond me. I suppose I should really sulk in the moments I've made and truly appreciate the last few weeks. It's been such an adventure.

So, people, don't get too comfortable, let go of security, talk to people who are different than you, get yourself out into the world, it's waiting for you. In a song I wrote a few years ago..."Chasing dreams, so it seems, I'm going places."

Black & White [colors]

If people had eyes, then why doesn't everything appear to be beautiful. Yeah, there's always going to be an ugly truth, but it doesn't mean we have to sulk in it. I like to find the beauty in all things black and white. Lean towards the brighter side of life. Live a little. It's totally okay to have fun. Take life with a grain of salt, even if it's a bit too much for your taste buds. Believe me, it's much easier that way.

... oh and don't forget to smile!